haven’t posted too much

well long and short of it is that these past 2 months the wife and i have been working as full time temp monkeys at this hot and weaty factory in Oyabe City making drawers for some sorta japanese IKEA like place.

so far 2 of the people we started working with left. the guy “fat mike” hated it and the “big boss” and the other guy “kevin” just keep fucking up all the time. but they knew he was a bit slow with things. should have kept a better eye on his work. i think i didn’t help since they were like “He don’t even really know japanese and he does a better job then you!”

funny thing is everyone seems to just be so happy that we show up every day and do good work! i found that to be a surprise. i thought your average japanese would cute off a finger before missing work. thouht the wife is going to start going part time which the temp place is not happy about cause they want her to be like a second big boss but for now she needs to be able to watch our little monkey man a few days of the week so her mom can work.

actually the other day, it was a short week cause of some praise your dead relatives day, the main guy in charge of the production on the floor told my wife that he was surprised that i do such good work. said; “I just had this image of the big american not being very good at doing this little delicate work; but he does it fast and good!” so i have impressed the locals. never thought i would earn praise from a japanese boss about my work.

i guess i get to keep my fingers…

so da pphone rings…

sometime after we went to the first temp place looking for work; the wife actually went to a place for a whole 2 days; we get a call from a different guy then who we talked to there.

he had overheard us and got all excited when he heard we; well me really; were from NY. he had lived in canada for a few years for school or something. so he really wanted to help us find work. he looked all over and he thought he had something for us.

he came to the house to get us one morning and drove us out not too far from this iron works factory we had an interview with a few days before! they wanted us to work there, loved that my wife had some CAD knowledge. anyways it was a place that made funiture for a certain line of stores in japan.

turns out that the temp place is in charge of the people for the “drawer making department” and all the people came from them. also the temp guy that wanted to help us, it is his project so he is in charge. one guy there wanted to leave for something else and they pretty much had issues with people working a day or 2 and quiting. i found that surprising since this was japan and i thought they all only worked 42 hour days, never leaving work.

he shows us around the area and intros us to “big boss” who is this tough looking, around my age, i swear she has to be at least into 80s metal, chick. she don’t care if i don’t know japanese as long as i get “OK!” and “Dame!” which is stop/no good/that big american cock is too much for my tiny…sorry slipped into some hentai for a second.

working there is her, her son who i call “wolfman” cause he is hairy with long fingernails. fucking hate that on guys! “Kevin” who is a little older, and a little slow. don’t talk too much, he seems to at least stutter when he does. like i said a little slow. and “Fat Mike” who was the one that wanted to leave. we were to be his replacement.

they showed us some of the shit they do. glueing parts together, pressing them in a machine, putting handles on, blah blah. told us that most days are normal with a rush job every now and then. rare overtime, and some days nothing to do really but go home.

it would be hot, and a lot of standing, lifting. but it was full time hours, at 900 yen an hour. but we would get some gas money too. so we said yeah we might as well. they all seemed nice, and were willing to overlook, not care about my lack of japanese skills. plus the temp guy is a super nice guy and really went out of his way to try and help us.

“Big Boss” checked the schedule and asked us to start the following Wednesday.

Hey man; why don’t you get a job?!

because i told the wife that with my lack of japanese speaking skills i wasn’t gonna make this move if she was gonna be all over me about a job. i wanted to try and take time to get the language down.

well of course that went out the window as soone as i get here and she starts going off that she has to get me something now and work with me or i will never get a job! i was here for about 24 hours when some shithead from an english teaching school that she called called me.

“But why don’t you teach english?!” why don’t i shove shards of glass up my pee hole too? i am not a teacher. i do not know even what goes into making a correct sentence in english and i can’t spell. add to that the place that called me was written up all over the web by other white people working there that they are assholes that make you sign a contract and make you work more then the contract says and they even got sued by their employees over here a couple of years ago!

this dipshit was asking me all these questions i didn’t have answers for and as the phone call went on it became clear to me that they just wanted warm bodies and did not care about any real learning on their students part.

we even went out to this one place that only wanted english speakers for a one day event. we went to the place and the guy there barely spoke english and then the video. he showed us this video of what it was they wanted you to do at this one day event. the basics were you stood there and did all these games, songs and other such bullshit with kids and after a while they went on to the next english speaker.

the kicker was “bob the canadian” in the video. it seems that the japanese believe that most if not all of us white people from the states and canada are big, dumb, over friendly idiots. in your best clown kiddie rapist vioce say out loud; “Hi kids! My name is bob. I’m from Canada! Can you say Canada?! YEAHHH! I like to eat…PIZZA!”

and they wanted you to bring props with you. all this for like $80. i told te guy, really this is not me. i mean i am a metal guy with tattoos. i don’t act like this with my fucking kids!

then we hit a temp place. i found this extra useless since i couldn’t fill out the form myself or do the little test they had on there. and the the wife is insisting on all these things. we have to work together. we can’t work forever with long hours cause of the kids. i am just like we are never gonna get anything this way. why can’t you just get something now on your own?

the wife did get a call from YKK. they really seemed into her but she was saying it would have been a 2 hour commute every day and then it was one of those sort of old school japanese jobs which mean forever hours and the pay was pretty crappy for all that. i was forced to agree.

then she went to this other temp place and i refused to go, which caused a big yell fest in the car. anyways she went in and i played out in the park by the building with the kids.

then we get a call…

3rd time’s a charm, or i burn this fuckin’ place down!

once again i am back at the japanese DMV for my third try at the “simplified practical driving test”. again we go to window #3 to pay the 3050 yen and again to window #11 to hand in all the paper work to zitty hump, she was back. she stamped everything about 40 times with 15 different stamps and handed me the map for course A. well that started on a good note that was one of the easy courses. i walked the course while the wife and Ryoma sat around. we had to bring the little one with us unfortunatly this time and he was a pain in the ass most of the time like any 2 year boy would be. didn’t help that he wanted milk from a vending machine and the damn thing gave us some cold milky coffee and he liked it! him being hopped up on that and the coffee blasted through him like a bullet train. 2 crap attacks while there!

anyways! the course tester i had the first time came out and called us tester fools over. another stroke of luck. even though he failed me the first time he seemed a lot more easy going then the second guy i had. after that first time with him he had really only said that i just needed to slow down. he went over his speech.

next stroke of luck i was not first this time. there was this chinese girl with her japanese boyfriend, a pakistani guy and his wife and kid that we had seen before, she was trying to pass, and another chinese girl with her japanese husband and little girl.

we all went outside and waiting our turns. i was second. i did all the check around the car like i was told, i got in the car like i was told, i did everything like the guy at the driving school told me. the only part i got worried about was on the back straight away when you are suppose to hit 50 and the god damn car was not getting up to speed so i had to go past the spot where i should have first stepped on the brakes and ended up sort of slamming on the brakes to slow down before the curve.

i made sure to go stupid slow on the inside parts and make it painfully clear i was looking at all the mirrors. i was even able to time my driving inorder to get the red lights since it was much easier to come to a full stop then have to go through a green light at a intersection on the “simplified practical driving test”.

i pull back into the starting point. the tester asked me if i understood japanese, in japanese. i told him that i understood a little, in japanese. then he said, in english, “ok no problem. please wait inside for me to call your name”.

i passed, i guess.

i got out of the car and the wife asked me how it went and i said “i passed, i guess. he said no problem” so we had to wait for all the others to take their turns. while we were standing outside a little chinese guy came over and asked me why i was stopped so long at this one intersection. i told him it was only because the red light there was a long one. in talking to him we learned that he had been taking lessons and practicing on his own for hours and hours he seemed nervous. oh and i had to sit in the back sit as the younger chinese girl took her test. she didn’t pass. she was stopped from even driving the whole course. she seemed to know what she had to do but she was just was too nervous and needed practice to getting it right. she almost pulled out in front of another car at one point!

we went inside to wait. Ryoma was being a pain. the tester came to a window, not sure which one. he gave us some paper that showed i passed. we had to go to window #3 again and pay to get the license made. the woman had the nerve to ask me if i wanted to donate any money for driving education in local schools. the only reason i didn’t say “don’t you whores think you got enough of my fucking money already?!” was because i don’t know how to say that in japanese. then to some little touch screen thingies and i had to make up a pin #. wife argued with me about this. i was like is this forever or just for now? cause i am just gonna use a simple one. after that we walked back through those big machines for the eye tests to what seemed like secret area. we handed in my paperwork and were told to sit. a little later the other chinese girl with the japanese husband and little girl came back she had passed too. so that was like 2 people out of 6 people passed.

sat for a couple of minutes and a woman came out and took me to the big camera for my photo. i really want to flip off the camera for my license picture just to show some of my hate. then we were told to go back and sit and wait again.

while waiting i got to enjoy something like a japanese CSPAN on the TV, a skanky girl with her short skirt loltia outfit check her hair and make up using an iPad she pulled from a designer purse. yeah whatever, can’t pass the tests though can you? also we noted some of the instectors from the driving school just walking over and walking in, going to the back areas to talk to their pals. again, scam much?! one even stopped and checked on the other girl that passed along with me. we didn’t see my guy.

finally some crazy older guy comes out and gives me and the chinese girl our driver licenses. he was very long winded with all the check everything to see if it’s right. i was glad to learn that we didn’t have to get those stupid stickers for the car that advertise that i was a “new driver”.

hundreds of dollars and hours and hours of wasted time for this?

we left the building for what i hope is a long long time. as i pulled out of the parking lot i held up a middle finger to the DMV and their “simplified practical driving test”. i was not happy, i was not relieved. i was still pissed off and bitter at the complete clusterfuck we had to go through.

ahh ma but i don’t wanna go to school

back again for my second lesson and first 2 hour lesson at the driving school run by former DMV driving testers. this time we would go out onto the real test course and practice course A which is the first one i took and failed.

we did a little more practice around their track first going over a few more things and then we headed over to the real one. what i didn’t expect was all the other people that were there on the track to for practice! there were other cars from our school, trucks, buses, backhoe loaders, another driving school, and even fucking cops! when you did the “simplified practical driving test” there wasn’t really anyone in your way. there might be a truck doing a test and a motorcycle but they covered very different areas and you didn’t really have to worry about “traffic”.

so first thing the instructor did was drive the course A and show me where to place the tire, there was an inprint in the road where a line use to be around the outside of the track, the tire stayed on that. here is where you brake, here is were you start to change lanes. then it was my turn.

of course i was going too fast around turns in the inner part of the track. then there was this whole part about changing lanes in a curve to get ready for the first turn to the inside track. i had to have the wheel at just the right angle, then start checking the mirrors, be sure that i didn’t move the wheel at all while looking blah blah blah.

i was starting to get annoyed. at what seemed to be no matter what i was either too fast or too slow. at how the hell can you actually check all these mirrors and see where the fuck you are going never mind have all the time to check them! and all the other cars on the track at the same time meant that we had to stop and wait a lot for traffic to go by which was throwing off my practice i thought. it was hard enough trying to remember all they wanted you to do without having to actually check to see if another car was gonna hit you.

the 2 hours were up and our guy once again thought that i was doing good and that maybe 10 more hours and i would be ready. we didn’t have that sort of time; and we weren’t about to pay for all of that; i had time for one more 2 hour lesson before my next “simplified practical driving test”.

we went back a few days later again with only a few more days left until my “simplified practical driving test”. this time my instuctor took us right over to the real course and we went through courses B, and C. course B was a bitch, this was the second one i failed. even he said it was the hardest and he hated it saying that C was his favorite as the easy one.

again he drove the course first showing me where i had to do everything for each one. the 3 courses were the same i the very beginning and end but the middle parts were different. really the only way to pass was to know all three course cold and know what you have to do where and when for each one.

i was already having nightmares of the course. i could close my eyes and practice driving the “simplified practical driving test” in my head. “Course A pull out, no brake, check mirror over shoulder, foot off gas check crosswalk, tire on line, brake take turn at about 10 kph, speed up, foot off gas, check rear, side, shoulder, signal, side shoulder, move into right lane…and so on. i could do this in my head for all 3 courses.

after 2 hours of lesson and trying to keep from getting hit by backhoe loaders time was up and we drove back to the school. the instuctor said that he thought i was doing well and that i just had to keep in mind a few things and i should do ok on the “simplified practical driving test”.

i hope so because my third time was coming up in a few days and i did not want to take more classes or go back to that DMV ever again!

back to school

yes just like Rodney Dangerfield this old man had to go back to school to learn how to drive. or to be more accurate, learn how to drive the “simplified practical driving test” in order to pass and get a license.

after my 2nd “simplified practical driving test” we drove about 2 feet over to the driving school where many of the instructors were retired from giving course tests at the DMV. we were joined by a few others that failed with me or on a different test at the place.

we only had about a week and a half before my next “simplified practical driving test” driving test so we tried to find time to squeeze in. they of course wanted you to go as much as possible to get the most money out of you. not only did they charge you for each lesson but they first charge you to join their exclusive club. they were talking about 20 hours or so i think but with the cost, the distance we would have to travel and the time we had left there was no way we could do that.

after about what seemed like forever, and one instructor pissing off the wife for being a dick, we settled on 1 one hour lesson and 2 two hour lessons before my next “simplified practical driving test”. the first one hour was the next day.

so we drove all the way back the next day. we got this instructor that turned out to be a really nice guy. direct but not an asshole. the wife rode in the back of the car the whole time as a translator. he at one point flat out said something along the lines of; “you have to forget how you drive in the real world for the ‘simplified practical driving test’. if you drove like that on the road you would be in trouble!”

there you have it. an instuctor admitting that the “simplified practical driving test” was actually completely not practical! not only that but he also said that him and the other guys there talk to the guys that give the tests at the DMV! again admitting that this all was a scam in my eyes.

anyways they had a smaller track at didn’t match the DMV one but what he did for that first hour was tell me the basic secrets that they want you to do in order to pass. how to look over the car, get in the car, how to check the mirrors, how to brake, stop, signal, all of it. i basically had to relearn a way to drive that was nothing like i had been driving for 20 plus years just for this “simplified practical driving test” and then forget about it all after since there is no way you can drive like that in the real world!

he took me around the track, showed me what to do and then i had a turn. i was doing pretty much most of it not up to insane japanese standards but i wasn’t too bad. he felt that i didn’t need to take as many practice hours as most people that i could get away with half the time.

the hour went by pretty fast and the next class was a 2 hour lesson and on that one we would be allowed to go over to the actual driving course on the DMV and practice the “simplified practical driving test”.

once more from the top

since i failed my first try at the “simplified practical driving test” we had to come back like a week and a half later to try again. again we get to pay 3050 yen and go up to window #11 to hand in the paperwork. but that day zitty hump wasn’t there. i guess she had some bells to ring or something and the guy that failed me the first time was at the window.

this time i get handed a map of “simplified practical driving test” course B. well this one was a bitch! a whole mess of turns and crap that i wasn’t even sure if i would even be able to remember the course. never mind that with all the added turns means even more mirror checking and chances to fail with a missed turn signal or too close to a line.

i walked the course again and once again i got picked to go first! we figured it had to be in order of when you showed up at the place and vowed to not be first if a next time was needed.

anyways i walked around the car again, did all the mirror checks and took off. this time i felt i wasn’t doing as well as the first time, and i failed the first one. mainly because i was too bust trying to remember the fucking course i had to take. by the time i got to the half way point and almost missed the turn i needed, i had to slam on the brakes, the guy told me to just go back to the start. he didn’t even let me finish and failed me.

of course i am pissed again, and he didn’t even tell me why i failed. we had to wait until after everyone else went and my wife asked him what was wrong. he again like the other one said i was going too fast and not checking the mirrors. he also added that i was too nervous; that my hands were shaking. of course i was nervous asshole! after 20 plus years of driving i am having to fight for the right to drive again! to prove i can but being failed for a “simplified practical driving test” that has nothing to do with real driving!

he then commented that there was a driving school right next to the “simplified practical driving test” course and they taught you what you needed to know to pass the test and i could get practice there. he added that most of the instructors there were retired from doing the tester job at the DMV place we were at.

how convenient! so you guys keep failing people with unrealistic rules of driving to get more and more money, and then suggest going over to the driving school were even more money can be handed over to your retired friends! nice scam you got going on here.

so we went over to the driving school.

“right turn Clyde.”

a man and his monkey. never a better story has been told.

so i shows up on whatever day for my “simplified practical driving test”. first we had to go to window #2 to pay 3050 yen for this, and then hand in the paperwork to zitty hump at window #11. she said blah blah and handed me a map of the course complete with arrows and something to the effect that this was “course A”. of course i can not find the copy of the track that i got later right now. however we were told that i could go out on to the course and walk it to memorize it until 10 am. at that time we had to be back in to meet up with the instructor that will be giving us the road test.

i say us because there was like one russian, and a couple other silly non japanese people there to do the test. i guess they find it funny to group us together as one.

so the wife and i went out to walk the test course. now it IS clearly easier then the crap a kid would have to do to get their license. the course has traffic signals, train crossing, S-curve, right angle turns, blah blah blah. our test, again i wish i could find the map, started off at the building, merge out on the street and almost al the way around the large oval. during which you had to change lanes to go around a make believe work site, and hit 50 kph on the back straight. then change lanes, turn right, quick lane change left to make a left turn at a signal, then lane change right to turn into a very narrow set of right angles turns, then trough an intersection to a stop sign, turn right onto the back straight again, change lanes to the right for a fight hand turn, through another intersection to a signal at another intersection, through that to a left turn and a fast left turn into some S-curves, right turn out of that to another right turn, around the final curve of the large oval and oull the car back where you started.

i should mention that before i ever got there to do my “simplified practical driving test” i of course looked up what other dirty foreigners had to say online…it was not good. for all i found people had said that A) it sucks they had to take the “simplified practical driving test”;or they were lucky that they were from a country that didn’t have to take the “simplified practical driving test”. B) the 10 question true or false was stupid easy; and if that was so easy then C) why was the “simplified practical driving test” so fucking hard?! with people saying nobody ever passes the first time and it usually take 3 or more times! fucking hell.

so what was so hard about it? there was certainly nothing that a person that has been driving for over 20 years shouldn’t be able to handle on the course. i mean those tight right angle turns could be a bitch. no no no gentle TV viewers. it is not the course at all. it is the INSANE un practical rules and procedures that they want you to follow while driving the “simplified practical driving test”.

as some of it was told to us before we started by the course instructor. you will be graded from the moment you get in the car until you get out, you must not go over any solid line, if you hit the poles in the right angle turns you fail, if you go off the track you fail, you must stop so many centimeters from the line at a stop light/signal, you must stop so many centimeters from the pole at the end of the test, you must be so many centimeters away from the yellow line at the end of the test, and so on.

there were other jems that i learned online, the big one was all about checking you mirrors and blind spots. the basic of what people were saying was that you had to check every mirror all the time, your head should always be moving. and the right way to get into the car for the “simplified practical driving test”. this is how you get into the car and go.

first you walk to the front to inspect it, check under the front for any make believe cats or small children, walk around the left side checking the tires to the back, again inspect it and under, check for any traffic by looking both ways, check the tires while walking up the right side, look both ways and open the door (remember the wheel is on the wrong side for you americans), make sure you know where everything is, check to see that the brake is on, adjust your seat, adjust the mirrors, seatbelt on, foot on brake, turn on car, put car in drive, release the brake, check over you left shoulder, check left side mirror, check rear mirror, check right side side mirror, check over right shoulder, turn on right turn signal, check right side mirror, check over right shoulder, pull out onto the course.

GOT THAT?!

well i get called to go first and he guy picks somebody to sit in back. i think they do that so there is a witness if you try to bribe the tester to pass the “simplified practical driving test” or they try to get you to touch their weiner in order to pass the “simplified practical driving test”. any how i drove the course A and i thought i did pretty good. at the end he called over the wife to explain to her what i did wrong, i only saw him check off a couple of things on his paper when i was driving. the first thing he said was that i had been practicing alot at the driving school hadn’t i? no i had not, i had only tried to follow what i read online, and have been driving with an international license since being here. in fact this was my first time driving a car with the wheel on the right side!

well he basically said that i was going too fast and because of that my mirror checking didn’t count. next time take it slower and i should be fine.

great 3050 yen down the drain, plus the hours spent sitting there and the drive there and back; it is not close to where we live. plus the gas. we go back in after i got to ride with some kid for his test. i thought he sucked and the only thing he did different from me was go super slow during the inside of the track and turns.

a few minutes later and the tester calls us over to another window and of course i failed so he and the wife set up for another date. he again tells her i need to go slower and to make sure i check the mirrors.

i knew i would fail, but i was still pissed off at the whole thing. clearly this was a money scam and the rules to the “simplified practical driving test” had nothing to do with real driving. to have always heard your whole life that you are a good driver and then suddenly be told that you can’t pass some “simplified practical driving test” to drive?

i was pissed.

a walk through hell; or all we went through for a japanese driver’s license

part I

first let me start you off with a bit of info that caused this whole mess and still infuriates me. as a person from the US of A, i was NOT able to go to the japanese idea of a DMV, show them my USA drivers license, prove that i had been living there and licensed for more than 3 months, and walk out with a brand new japanese drivers license.

no see i was not from one of these countries; Austria, Belgium, Czech Republic, Denmark, Finland, France, Germany, Greece, Iceland, Ireland, Italy, Luxembourg, Norway, Portugal, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, The Netherlands, The United Kingdom, Australia, New Zealand, Canada, Taiwan and South Korea. they can do that.

as an american i got to enjoy what i can only assume is a system that was set in place by somebody that is still pissed off about those 2 atomic bombs and the subsequent Godzilla attaks that came after. i had to take not only a writen test, do an eye test, but also a “simplified practical road test”. the last part in quotes will make up the bulk of this horror story.

the US embassey site says shit like they have tried to work with japan to get it like the other countries but it seems like, to me at least, that it is not an issue of what side we drive on but that every state has it’s own licensing laws while japan has a country wide one. and there might be some penis envy.

first we had to get my california license translated by some special official place, and get some “rules of the road” book for 4485 yen. it is filled with good english but totally japanese in the sense that it likes to remind you how “selfish driving can cause trouble for others” or “it is the fundemental responsibility of each citizen as a memeber of society to follow traffic rules” and “take care not to make unpleasent noises”.

durp!

then we made the first trip to the Toyama Drivers License Center. my gentle viewers at home, you have no idea what DMV hell is like until you have been to a japanese one!

first stop was window #11 i believe where we were greeted by a girl that was i would say late 20s, zit faced, and a nice quasimodo hump forming already. in other words she was perfect for such a bullshit bureaucratic job. we gave her a form we filled out, the translation, my current passport, my older passport, my old california drivers license (why i had it or should need it i don’t know), my resident card, and probably a few other things that i have blocked from remembering like a rape victim.

i believe we had to go to window #2 next to pay for the paperwork and the test next. maybe about 2000 yen for that? then the waiting.

while waiting we got to enjoy all the pakistani, russian, and what i can only guess has to be the biggest collection of the japanese form of white trash i have ever seen in japan. a bunch of japanese youths that looked like they would right at home in a trailor park in some backwords area of the united states. all in their own DMV hell. at one point the flashed all these numbers on a screen. i guess a lot of kids where there to take tests for license and well being the japanese DMV a lot failed. the screen would say 1-50 and only like numbers 2, 7, 24,30, and 31 would light up. a mess of kids gathered around looking at the board, a few went on to the next step, but alot more lined up at window #17 because they failed

well zit face gave us a form to fill out. all about how and where i got my license; i was like ‘i am 42, i got it over 20 years ago like back in 1988 i think for fuck sake!’. she called us to ANOTHER window after some time. they actually close curtains on windows, turn off the lights and go off to hidden desks in the back i guess. she went over the form with us, asked a few questions about the road test i had in the states, again 1988 people, then we had to wait again.

not too long she came out and took us upstairs to some classroom where i had to answer 10 true and false questions. she locked the wife out and i was told i can start and raise my hand when i was done. about 3 minutes later i was done, and that was with the rotten engrish! i mean just fucking bad and not acceptable in my view for that level of government bullshit. one question was something like; “It is fine to drink one drug or alcohol before driving?” i looked up and handed her the test, “Hai, dozo” but was reminded i was to raise my hand…it was just us in the room. i admired her hump on the way out. back downstairs and back to waiting!

a little later zitty hump came out and said i scored perfect and we had to go do the eye test. she lead us around a different area to a row of machines i believe were once used on the set of the 1931 Frankenstein movie. remember those film strip projectors we all would fight over to turn the frame at the beep back in elementary school? think of that about the size of a Yugo and you had to look into the lens part.

she tried it first without my glasses and i told her there was no fucking way. but she had to find out the hard way. just had to point up, left, right to which way the “C” was facing i think, rape victim rememeber. and then tell what colors were where like a traffic light. i needed glasses, no shit. said that on my current and past 347 licenses i had!

then back to yet a different window and we set a date to come back for my “simplified practical road test”.

i’m leaving on a jet plane

so it’s time to leave for the airport. i double check my bags, load the cat in the carrier (she was nice enough to go poop before that), throw out anything i had left, and call my drunk friend and hope he gets up after a night of “drunking”

he was up…after second call. we load up his car and off we go. turns out that the check in counter opened up a lot later then i thought. i wanted to be there early since i knew all the shit i would have to go through with the cat, extra bag, and my guitar.

one believes the bible, one don’t. try to guess which is which!

my friend asks some guy to snap a pic, see above and he is off. i threaten him with me returning and forcing gay sex on him if he didn’t get his life ( i.e. wife problems) straightened out.

nice thing about flying the jap airlines is that they actually have japanese people working the counters. so everyone was super nice even when i INSISTED that my Les Paul should be stored in the plane cabin and not handed off to the trained apes working SFO to throw in with baggage and run over with their little golf cart things. they said they would see what they could do. i also told them i was more worried about my guitar then the god damn cat to the shock of many. i had to pay $400 for the cat to fly and an extra $100 for the extra bag i had to bring.

i then had to take the cat over to a place to have her checked for bombs. yes i was carrying a suicide feline. then i had to go through security.

i have never wanted to punch out an old lady and her husband so much in my life. while waiting in line, with a very heavy backpack, and Les Paul this old couple were behind me bitching about being late, and the line being slow. they kept pushing up to me, the lady the most, as to be right next to me like they were going to get ahead of me. THEN, you know where you get to the x-ray machine and you have to grab that big tray and load your shit into it? well i got mine, placed it on the rollers, and was trying to get the Les Paul up on there when the old bat throws her tray on and just pushes mine halfway up the thing and gets in my way.

this is where i thought i was not going to make the flight because of an arrest. “Excuse me! I am ahead of you and i need to get my guitar on here and my stuff in the bin so back off!” she was “oh i am sorry” blah blah. i said something along the lines of bullshit you are. and then on purpose, let me repeat that, i on purpose “forgot” to take out BOTH laptops i was carring, and remove the metal studded belt i was wearing. this insured that i held up the works, further delaying things, and making that old couple even later then they already were! i “apologized” all over to the staff as they stopped everything to find a guy to pull out the computers and the guy at the explosives/ metal detector had to further frisk me, check me, ask me to take off my belt. he laughed at it.

i got to my gate with lots of time. picked up a magazine and a soda that cost me $13! i noticed a japanese guy with a guitar also he had with him that was waiting for the same plane. after awhile the girl that checked me in came along and asked if she could take my guitar on the plane and see if the flight crew could fit it someplace. she took it and came back a little later with a tag and asked me to write my name and seat number on it and that the crew had stored it in a closet the had in the cabin for me.

 

it was rainging by the time we got on the plane. i picked a window seat in the last row. never flew all the way in the back so i wanted to try it. a 30 something japanese woman got the seat next to me and a gaggle of schoolgirls got the seats around us. as the plane lifted off i felt the tears build up in me as i was leaving my home country and i had to be out of my fucking mind!